Think back to the beginning of your relationship with your intimate partner. When you were first getting to know each other, try to recall how you showed your affection. There were probably lots of “little things” you did to show how much you cared, and you were probably quite attentive to your partner as well. The unfortunate reality is that as time goes by, disconnection and life stressors (jobs, kids, financial and health issues, etc.) cause many couples to show increasingly less affection to one another. Sometimes, it can disappear totally from the relationship. This decrease may not be intentional at all. Affection and attentiveness can fade with familiarity, and often we begin to take our partner for granted.
However, by reintroducing the “little things” back into the relationship – those sometimes subtle signs of caring and connection—we can refresh and reignite our bond. Taking time to sincerely compliment and praise your partner will let him know you value his skills, talents, or simply himself as a person. Sending a quick and friendly text, email, or voice message during the course of your work day is another easy way to let this most significant person in your life know that you’re thinking of him. Acknowledging one another’s presence with an embrace, when greeting or departing, takes mere seconds but reinforces your heart-to-heart connection, and boosts feel-good endorphins for the whole day!
These small acts of loving kindness have many long-term benefits. Expressing affection and becoming attentive helps couples connect and increases their level of intimacy, which in turn can lay the groundwork for rekindling a stagnant sex life. In fact, reinstituting these “little things” may be particularly beneficial for couples who don’t have a regular sex life.
If the relationship is sexless, and has been for quite some time, it’s hard to jump right in again at that level of intimacy. To reduce the awkwardness in approaching each other, back up and remember how you made your partner feel special and appreciated when you first met. Did you send flowers, write love letters, or extend an invitation to an event you knew she’d enjoy? Every time you thought of her, did you let her know verbally or by sending a message, as was mentioned above? Affection is often equated with romance, so bring back the romantic gestures—wine and dine your partner (figuratively and literally), giving as much attentiveness as you did when dating—and see where it leads!
A renewed focus on each other can also provide a cushion between you when life gets stressful. It’s easier to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and show more patience, respect, and empathy when you’re feeling connected emotionally. Working through problems respectfully strengthens your bond, and enhances your life journey together.
Every couple has their own baseline of affection; some want/need more and others less. It’s important to find the ideal level that meets the needs of both you and your partner. A mutually satisfying amount of give and take, affectionate words and deeds, lends itself to a happier home. It serves as a good role model for children and all others who may live with you. Even your pets will sense and benefit from the increased harmony in their environment.
Tips to Get Started:
1. Discuss and share with your partner the forms of affection you each enjoy the most. Common forms of affection include holding hands, back/shoulder/feet massage, snuggling, hugs, and kisses.
2. Decide to focus on each other’s favorite way of receiving affection for a week.
3. Re-evaluate after one week and discuss how to improve the affection.
4. On your own, experiment with how you’d like to be attentive to your partner (appreciations, text messages, compliments, voicemails, etc.).
5. Evaluate and modify as needed.
Giving and receiving affection in our lives only becomes more valuable as we age. As people grow older or decline in health, maintaining an active sex life may not become the number one priority. Learning how to stay connected in the “little” ways and strengthening our emotional connection will benefit our intimate relationships for a lifetime.
