Most relationships fall between two extremes. One extreme is a fantastic, near-perfect, fairy-tale relationship in which both partners are consistently very happy. The other extreme is a toxic, abusive relationship that is very unhealthy, or perhaps even violent.
Clearly, most relationships fall somewhere in the middle. Despite both partners’ awareness that there is noticeable room for improvement, often only one partner is willing to work on their relationship in counseling. The reluctant partner (stereotypically the male partner in heterosexual couples) may have several reasons for resisting professional support.
For the willing partner, this usually proves to be beyond frustrating. Sometimes they will attend counseling on their own. Unfortunately, though, often this partner will simply give up hope and settle for the status quo.
The truth, however, is that there is a lot you can do to improve your relationship without involving your partner. Here are some of the steps you can take:
5 Ways to Improve Your Relationship Without Involving Your Partner
Accept your Partner for Who They Are.
This may seem like a strange first step and of course, it does not apply if your partner is abusive, toxic or there are very significant incompatibility problems (eg, You want kids now and your partner never wants to see a child in their life). The reason you want to accept your partner for who they are is because change only really happens when a person feels liked and respected. Dr. John Gottman talked about this:
“People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.”
After attempting to accept your partner for who they are, the next step is to focus on positive qualities that you do appreciate. Routinely, when things aren’t great, we tend to have tunnel vision, looking only at the negative or at what we dislike. Thus, we miss fully appreciating the good things about them.
Focus on Yourself and Take Responsibility
When we are in conflict or simply distant from our partner, we focus primarily on our partner’s shortcomings. We often ignore our own. Try taking a deep dive into the pool of self-reflection. Review how you’ve acted and behaved with your partner. Take responsibility for any words or actions that you regret by making a repair attempt. This requires a level of vulnerability that can lead to positive change in your relationship.
Make Bids for Connection
The Gottmans, while researching what healthy couples do, discovered that those who reach out to their partner to connect in various ways are much healthier than those who don’t. They call these acts “bids for connection.”
There are many types of bids.
Some examples include:
- “Honey, look at the sunset in the backyard!”
- “I’m feeling worried about my work meeting tomorrow.”
- “That show we wanted to see was just released on Netflix…want to watch it with me tonight?”
It’s important to note that your partner can acknowledge and respond to your bid. Or they can ignore or reject it. A positive response can dramatically improve your connection.
Identify What You Want to Be Different
This is often a much harder question for people to answer than they might think. Most people tend to frame it as what they want their partner to do differently. It takes a little more time to identify relationship goals in terms of “we” as opposed to “you.”
For example, you may want more quality time, walks together, or to resolve parenting differences as a team.
Utilize “I” Statements to Communicate
It’s really important to communicate your wishes, wants, needs, and desires in terms of “I” statements rather than attacks or critical comments. Refrain from blaming your partner. The common template is “I feel __________”.
You might say, ”I feel concerned that we’re not spending much time together” as opposed to “You never want to spend time with me. What is wrong with you?”
If, after trying the steps above, you’re still unable to make any headway, don’t wait to begin relationship counseling.
