With the pandemic hopefully ending, and a semblance of normal life becoming an option again, many people are not wasting time before running headfirst into their pre-pandemic lives.
However, there is also a significant number of people who are struggling to return to pre-covid times. Many relationships are in turmoil and have been hurt significantly by the fallout of the pandemic.
Some couples are now experiencing frequent conflict while other couples are distant and emotionally disconnected (and of course many couples are both distant and emotionally disconnected). However, all of these couples can benefit from putting in the work by following these recommendations:
7 Steps to Reestablish Emotional Connection
1. Ensure Mutual Commitment
Rebuilding your emotional connection is not easy! A mutually satisfying relationship takes hard work, sustained effort, and a clear commitment. If one or both partners aren’t able to commit, there’s little hope of regaining your connection.
2. Address Underlying Issues or Resentments
No headway can be made unless there is an understanding, discussion, or some form of resolution of any past problems or resentments that have impacted the quality of your relationship.
3. Take Responsibility for Your Part
The best antidote to any form of defensiveness (or disagreement) is to quickly & thoroughly own your contribution to problems and disagreements in your relationship.
4. Schedule Daily, Protected Time Together
This “protected time” is dedicated time carved out explicitly in order to start to connect with your partner. The focus of this time should be on one another’s experiences and feelings and not just the basic facts of what happened in your day in order to achieve a deeper connection.
Ask your partner how they felt about what happened during the day, rather than just how their day was. Also, share how you feel about their experiences and be curious to understand the nuances of what they’re telling you.
What does being curious look like? Consider asking the following questions for deeper communication:
- What makes you feel the way you do?
- What past historical events shape your feelings and perceptions?
- How can I support you? or What would you like from me now?
- What is your greatest hope for this situation?
During conversations, try to use open-ended questions frequently in order to help you understand as much as possible.
5. Use Conflict as an Opportunity for Deeper Understanding
Employ your knowledge of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse to determine the health of your relationship. Are any of the following present?
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
- Defensiveness
During a conflict with your partner, if you are unable to maintain a curious stance towards your partner, you likely are too emotionally flooded to have a productive conversation.
A good rule of thumb? Take a step back and reschedule the conversation for a specific time in the near future. However, if you are able to be curious, use the time available to practice asking the questions listed above in step 4.
6. Learn Self-Soothing Skills
The ability to manage difficult conversations effectively is a learned skill. It takes practice. Before you can practice though, you need to breathe and restore calm. You can learn to regulate your breathing by practicing simple breathing techniques. Adding a short meditation can help as well.
7. Train Yourself to Make Repair Attempts
The ability to quickly repair rifts with your partner is the hallmark of the healthiest couples. Successful repair attempts begin when one partner reaches out first (to apologize, take responsibility or own their part). The repair is complete when the other partner accepts the repair and an emotional connection is reestablished.
Of course, if after trying these steps you’re still struggling to increase the level of emotional connection with your partner, please don’t wait. Reach out soon to start couples counseling.
