In the normal ups and downs of a committed relationship, amid work stress and family life issues, couples can struggle to feel connected to one another. Yet, according to research from Southern Methodist University, partners are actually good at recognizing when their partner is angry or happy. However, where they really struggle is at picking up on more subtle emotions.
“Soft Negative” Emotions
The SMU researchers revealed that couples often do not pick up on their partner’s “soft negative” emotions, such as feeling sad or down. This means that we are not as good at noticing subtle emotions vs. obvious high-intensity feelings. These researchers point out that this inability is usually not as big a deal if it occurs over a short period of time. However, it can be problematic if this disconnect lasts over an extended period of time. This can lead to the breakdown of the relationship.
Improving Empathy Skills
The researchers point out that while some people have a heightened sense of empathy, it is really a skill set that most people need to enhance. The good news is that anyone can do so with practice. This means putting in the consistent effort needed to improve. The researchers warn that people take care not to fall into the “assumed similarity” trap. This is when you assume that your partner feels the same emotions you do.
For example, if you are feeling okay but your partner is quiet, don’t assume they are okay as well. Instead, become more attuned and mindfully present when you are with your partner. On the other hand, when your partner is sad, it is not reasonable for you to suddenly become a mind reader. Your partner has some responsibility to communicate what they are feeling.
Other Ways to Stay Connected
Consider some other tips to help you stay connected:
1. Come up with a daily ritual of having “protected time.” That is, determine a dedicated time period where you and your partner can catch-up with each other and share the experiences of the day. This should include giving your partner an idea of how you are doing emotionally. To be most effective, make sure the two of you are free from distraction or electronic devices, such as cell phones. This is your “protected time” together. Making this a daily habit can make a big difference.
2. Establish a regular date night as frequently as possible. Try to make it a weekly or, at least, a monthly occurrence, whatever works best for your schedule. Most of all, make the effort to get out and spend time with one another.
3. Practice sharing your feelings and vulnerabilities with one another. At first, it can be hard to speak up. Yet, this is a great way for you and your partner to practice being vulnerable with one another. Over time, it will become much easier.
4. Try to be mindful when with your partner. Pay particular attention to noticing your partner’s body language and any changes in demeanor. This will enhance your ability to detect any changes in attitude or mood. Mindful attention may reveal something deeper is going on with your partner.
5. If you notice that you and your partner are experiencing a period of truly feeling disconnected, it is important to approach your partner with a desire to reconnect. The best way to connect with one another is to share that you have noticed something is up or that there is some distance between the two of you.
If you are still struggling to stay connected, it’s time to get professional help. A couple’s counselor can be a great resource. They will work with both of you to help you better connect.
It’s easy to fall in love. Yet, it can be difficult to stay emotionally connected every day in a long-term relationship. Fortunately, by following the above tips and seeking out couples counseling when appropriate, couples can maintain and deepen their connection to one another.
