When most people start to think about arguments and relationships, they typically connect conflict with a negative event. However, experiencing conflict with a partner is not necessarily bad.
Recent research supports the notion that conflict can be constructive for a relationship. The biggest factor is how you have a disagreement. This is important for any couple that wants to improve their relationship.
Research into Conflict and Relationships
In their research, Gordon and Chen found that conversations in a conflict could be healthy for a relationship. Especially when people feel understood by their partner.
The research showed that when partners felt understood by one another they experienced a greater level of satisfaction in their relationship. However, when people did not feel understood by their partners, they experienced less relationship satisfaction. Why does this happen? Gordon writes that if you feel that your partner understands you, you then know that your partner actually cares. It also signals that your partner is invested in the success of the relationship. Additionally, she says that this understanding during disagreements reinforces to you that the relationship is, “strong and worth fighting for.”
Then, the real question is how can people feel more easily understood by their partner in a relationship? The answer, while challenging, is fairly simple: maintaining a sense of curiosity. This can make a huge difference in a partner feeling understood.
Tips to Help Increase Understanding in Conflict
If you and your partner want to increase mutual understanding during a disagreement, consider these tips.
1. Maintain curiosity by being sincerely interested in partner’s perceptions, feelings, and views on the current issue. Get to know the back story. How have your partner’s life experiences influenced how they feel about the issue?
2. Take the 20,000-foot aerial view of the situation. Imagine taking a step back and looking down on yourself and your partner during a conflict. What do you see? Do you feel okay about the discussion or are there aspects of the conflict you would want to change? Looking at the bigger picture can help prevent falling into a self-righteousness trap. Ask yourself what is the best outcome for you as a couple, NOT for you individually.
3. Think about what could work as a realistic compromise. Avoid trying to “win” the argument. Try to find a win-win solution for the relationship.
4. Ask your partner questions to get a better grasp of their viewpoint. Asking questions indicates a genuine interest in your partner’s perspective. It definitely helps promote a curiosity mindset.
5. Beware communication pitfalls made famous by Dr. John Gottman. These are referred to as the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
6. Check your “internal temperature.” If you’re getting too heated, frustrated or angry to engage your partner constructively, ask to take a moment to yourself. This can give you the space you need to calm down. However, always agree on a time to resume the discussion/disagreement before taking a break.
7. Practice, Practice Practice! Realize that neither of you will ever become perfect communicators. Developing good communication skills takes time and practice.
8. If you and your partner are still struggling to understand one another, don’t hesitate to attend couples counseling together.
Just because you and your partner are having a conflict, it doesn’t mean it can’t be productive at the same time.
Finally, by using these tips to foster curiosity, you can better understand your partner. This allows both of you to not only come to an agreement and likely compromise on the issue but it also strengthens your relationship. However, if you have tried these suggestions and are still struggling, consider couples counseling.
