Research indicates that the two biggest problems couples struggle within their relationships are financial disagreements and conflicts about their sex life. Sex life disagreements can take on many forms. These can include where to have sex, when to have sex, or what particular activities are included in a couple’s sexual repertoire. However, the most common conflict regarding couples’ sex life is directly connected to frequency. In other words, how often couples are having sex is often a problem.
In general, there are many factors that can interfere with a person’s interest in sex. Being clinically depressed, going through hormonal changes for both men and women, and other medical issues are some of the most common causes of having a lowered or even no libido. But what happens when partners simply have different baseline libidos when there is not any medical interference? Unfortunately, the most common fallout is that conflict ensues and the couple becomes emotionally distant. Needless to say, this can negatively impact a relationship.
In other words, how often they are having sex. There are many factors that can interfere with a person’s interest in sex. Being clinically depressed, hormonal changes for both men and women, and other medical issues are some of the most common causes of a lowered or even absent libido. But what happens when partners simply have different baseline libidos when there is not any medical interference?
Unfortunately, the most common fallout when this type of conflict ensues is that the couple becomes emotionally distant. Needless to say, this can negatively impact a relationship.
Research into Libido Mismatch
A recent study suggests that changes in sexual habits can improve relationship satisfaction. In this research, the sexual changes and feelings of 96 couples were examined. The results revealed that partners who made more changes in their sex lives for their partner’s sake had happier partners. The partner who felt better about the changes in the couple’s sex life was also happier too. Additionally, if one partner felt more emotionally distant than the other, having frequent sex life changes helped these couples to feel closer to each other.
The Willingness to Compromise
So, what does this mean exactly? If your partner is interested in sex 1-2 times a day and you’re more interested in being sexual 1-2 times per week, should you attempt to meet their needs?
Not necessarily. No one should feel pressured to do something that they are not comfortable doing. On the other hand, there is absolutely room for compromise.
Compromising on sexual frequency is no different from making compromises in other areas of your relationship. For example, let’s say that Mexican food is not your preferred cuisine, but it’s your partner’s favorite food. Should you never eat Mexican food? Or alternatively, agree to eat it every time your partner desires it?
Neither plan would likely work out well. However, what does makes sense is that you both agree to eat Mexican food on occasion. This same willingness and type of compromise can also work when it comes to your sex life.
Steps to Manage Libido Differences
If you are willing to make changes to account for sexual differences in your relationship, then it helps to have a framework to guide you. Consider then these steps to manage libido differences
1. Eliminate the possibility of mental or physical health issues affecting you or your partner’s libido. For example, one partner might be struggling with low testosterone, which can lower sex drive. If there is physical or psychological problems, tackle that first with your medical provider before moving forward.
2. Assess your emotional connectedness and level of communication with one another. Are you both able to talk about sensitive issues calmly? If you believe that there is a great divide between you and your partner, then now may not be the right time to discuss sensitive sex life differences and attempting to find a compromise.
3. Assuming that the emotional connectedness and communication ability between the two of you is at least satisfactory, attempt to discuss feelings surrounding your sex life on your own at first. If the conversation hits a snag, be sure to follow up with couples counseling so you can receive the professional help needed for the two of you to navigate this sensitive issue.
4. Attempt to compromise on the frequency of your sex life. This may take some time, yet it’s still important to stick to the process.
5. If you find yourself stuck at any of the above steps, immediately seek professional help and couples counseling.
It’s true that couples can have significant differences regarding their sex life preferences and libidos. Yet, this mismatch doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. Like all issues that couples face, communication, and finding a middle ground can help resolve these issues before they become bigger problems. However, if you find you continue to struggle with an existing libido mismatch, couple’s counseling is often necessary.
