In working with hundreds of couples over the years, many patterns start to become apparent in those relationships. One of these patterns, without a doubt, for couples who end up in my office is that the clear majority of them are very poor communicators. Often poor communication is a result of never developing the skills to communicate effectively. An overlooked, but critical skill essential for healthy communication is the ability to stay connected to your own feelings and to be sensitive to those of your partner.
It’s a skill set that can be described as being very connected to our inner feelings. This self-awareness, which can improve with practice, is not commonly talked about and is rarely referenced. However, not being aware of your own feelings puts you at a distinct disadvantage in responding to your partner’s feelings and providing real support.
Not Connected to Your Baggage
When you are not connected to your own feelings, you are in a poor position to attend to your partner appropriately. This “baggage” can include your past relationship experiences, which largely informs how you interact with your current partner. Also, if you feel uncomfortable with facing difficult emotions, then you will naturally end up distancing yourself from them. When your partner is trying to express their feelings, you will most likely want to make the issue go away. There just isn’t any true ability to provide the emotional support needed.
Wanting a Quick-Fix Solution
One way to dismiss your partner’s issues and feelings is to offer a quick-fix solution. This appears easier since it’s an effort to make the problem go away. However, far too frequently, your partner doesn’t want to have the problem fixed at all. Instead, they simply want to be heard and validated.
The quick-fix approach is a more appropriate strategy for trying to get a task done on your to-do list, such as doing the laundry or taking out the trash. Yet, in relationships, this quick fix approach usually only serves to create more relationship disconnection and ultimately backfires.
Who Uses the Quick-Fix Approach?
Stereotypically, men tend to have more of a tendency to fall into this mindset than women. However, women, of course, can also be engaged in this quick-fix approach and both men and women should be aware of this tendency and find ways to adjust appropriately.
Ideas for Listening to Your Partner
1. If you find yourself looking to fix your partner’s problems, consider the following ideas.
2. Unless your partner specifically asks you to fix or solve a problem, make the assumption that they simply want to be validated and heard. When in doubt, ask them what they need.
3. If you confirm that your partner does want the problem to be fixed, suspend judgment over your preconceived thoughts and beliefs about the situation. Rather, listen to your partner so that you can understand what’s wrong.
4. Pay particular attention to your partner’s feelings. It’s easy to get distracted. You need to be connected to what they are feeling in order to be truly supportive.
5. Be curious! Ask your partner clarifying questions to ensure a complete and thorough understanding of the problem. Asking questions also helps your partner feel validated that you are actually listening to them.
6. Try to paraphrase the gist of your partner’s feelings surrounding the issue. For example, you could say, “So, you’re feeling frustrated because of what happened at work today.”
7. Make an attempt to validate why they are feeling the way they do. For instance, “When your coworker said those things and you replied to their comments, that’s when the conflict started. No wonder you felt frustrated!”
8. If you are struggling in your attempts to be present and listen to your partner, seek out a competent relationship therapist for support.
It’s important to remember that more often than not, wanting to fix your partner’s problem isn’t particularly helpful. Rather, it can be a reflection of your own discomfort when it comes to processing and listening to your partner’s feelings. If you try the above steps and are still having trouble with quick-fix solutions, don’t hesitate to seek out couples counseling for support.
