Dating couples, of course, start off living apart from one another. If the relationship progresses, they may decide to move in together, which is an obvious next step. However, there is a new trend: couples in established and committed relationships are now living separately from one another. This is called living apart together, or LAT.
According to surveys, between 3-7% of older adults describe themselves as being in contented relationships while also living in separate households. One characteristic of these couples is that they don’t intend to move in with one another or get married.
Who Are in LATs?
The age range for these couples is generally 57 years old and up. How then, do these relationships differ from younger couples? With living apart together couples, older adults set up their lives based on convenience. That is, LAT couples prefer to be in a mature relationship while also still having a degree of independence in their living situation.
There are several reasons why older couples might prefer to be in a living apart together type of relationship. For example:
- A desire to be intimate and have a romantic relationship with another person
- Ability to their own living space
- Maintenance of separate finances is desirable
- Continued to participate in their preferred recreational activities
- Spending time with friends close to their residence
- If previously divorced, an unwillingness to become entangled in another marriage
- For older women who were formerly caregivers for ailing parents or partners, there is often a desire not to have to fulfill those duties again.
The Pros and Cons of LATs
LAT relationships are comprised of people who have already experienced the highs and lows of marriage compared to younger couples. Generally speaking, these are older adults who are not interested in marrying again. It’s more of a “been-there-done that” mentality for these couples.
People in LAT relationships, are committed to one another and being together. However, they just prefer to live apart in order to maintain their independence. Nevertheless, there are important questions to consider such as what happens when one partner begins to decline physically or even passes away. These include:
- Who cares for the other person? It’s a sticky situation. Even if they intended to care for one another as they age, these couples might not have anything planned for such an eventuality.
- What happens when an adult child doesn’t include their parent’s partner? That partner may feel shut out of the decision-making process. There’s a risk that they will not be considered part of the family by the adult child who doesn’t treat the partner with respect.
The Quality of LATs
The quality of living apart together relationships is hard to gauge since there hasn’t been a lot of research into this type of relationship. Some studies have found that partners in these types of relationships are not emotionally supported in the same way as couples who are married (and live together). However, other couples report the opposite, saying how they appreciate having someone with whom they can talk to and share their time with. More research is needed to further explore the quality of these types of relationships.
It’s clear that many older adults are interested in having a committed relationship while still living independently. They find that they can have the benefits of having a partner while also being able to retain control over their own lives and living situations. Still, this type of relationship may not be the best fit for everybody, and there can be drawbacks.
Perhaps you are considering a LAT type of relationship (or are already in one) but feel concerned about the commitment of your partner. Don’t hesitate to reach out for individual relationship counseling.
