The saying “opposites attract” is embedded in our culture. It exists because some feel that the path to love involves finding a super-exciting partner who is very different from us in many ways. In the 1950s a sociologist named Robert Winch wrote that we seek others who compliment us, rather than those who are similar to us.
Yet, is the notion that opposites attract true? Well sure, to some extent. A partner can be legitimately intrigued by someone with a very different personality. However, research suggests that these relationships, while they do exist, are often not always satisfying or very long-lasting.
So what are you supposed to do when searching for a partner? Let’s continue examining why finding similarities in a partner is a better bet than finding your opposite.
Studying What’s Important When Finding a Partner
In one research study investigating this topic, scientists surveyed over 1,500 couples, friends, and acquaintances. The objective was to determine how important relationship similarities were in forming a relationship. The researchers first asked about people’s values and personality traits. Then, they compared how different the pairs were in these measures. All of the pairs and couples in the study had similar views on life. This was true even for those couples that had just met!
The lead researcher, Professor Bahns, said that “People are more similar than chance on almost everything we measure, and they are especially similar to things that matter most to them personally.”
Meanwhile, another researcher from Cornell University, Karl Pillemer, surveyed over 500 people married for at least 40 years. He asked what they thought were the most important traits in a partner to achieve a long and successful marriage. The findings indicated that those couples who shared core value similarities had the most successful relationships.
What This Means for You
So does this mean you should attempt to marry a clone of yourself? Absolutely not. However, finding someone who shares similar values is important for establishing a satisfying and lasting relationship. Pillemer goes on to say that:
“The research findings are quite clear: marriages that are homogamous in terms of economic background, religion, and closeness in age are the most stable and tend to be happier.”
To determine whether or not you and your partner share similar values, Pillemer recommends that couples need to talk about these issues with one another. He said that while conducting his research, participants suggested that partners write down statements about qualities that they find most important.
These qualities typically revolve around finances, religion, sex life, having children (or not), and the desire for extended family in their life. Partners then discuss their statements with one another. If there are differences in values, Pillemer says that “it’s much better to know them in advance of committing” to the relationship.
What to Do When There are Value Differences
Although this is a very interesting finding, it does put some people into a bit of a dilemma. Though being attracted to like-minded people can be helpful in finding a compatible partner, it also can be limiting. That’s because people are not exposing themselves to different viewpoints or outlooks on life, which can also be beneficial.
Fundamentally different partners are not necessarily doomed to see their relationship fail. However, the research does show that these relationships may face added challenges to overcome in order to make the relationship last.
Overall, the notion of “opposites attract” does have some truth. Being with someone who has similar values generally does lead to a more satisfying and longer-lasting relationship. However, if you and/or your partner identify core value differences, all is not lost. It would be wise to find a skilled therapist for singles counseling and support.
