Trauma, in one form or another, contributes significantly to relationship instability and dissatisfaction. In fact, 90% of the couples I’ve seen for couples counseling have been negatively impacted or hurt in one way or another because of the unresolved trauma from at least one partner. They are often unaware that their past experiences are responsible for significantly contributing to their current relationship distress. They typically attribute their relationship problems to compatibility issues or poor communication.
The “Big T” vs. “Little t” with Trauma
When people think of trauma, they typically think of what we often consider “Big T” trauma. Big T refers to what is thought of as classic trauma. Most often this type of trauma occurs through lived experiences or significant events that lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). For example:
- War or combat-related trauma
- Sexual assault
- Serious car accidents
However other, smaller traumas can also have an impact on your mental health. These are referred to as “little t” traumas. They don’t meet the needed diagnostic criteria to qualify for PTSD. However, they refer instead to events that everyone experiences in their lives that cause us to struggle to cope in a healthy way. Some examples of little t traumas can include:
- Going through a painful breakup
- Losing a job
- Experiencing verbal abuse from a parent
- Being bullied
- Non-life-threatening physical injuries
- Death of a loved one
Despite little t traumas not meeting the formal standard for PTSD, they can still have a tremendous impact on our lives. Also, while it’s less likely that one, stand-alone little t incident may have a big impact, multiple little t traumas often lead to emotional issues and problems.
Looking at Trauma and Relationships
It’s not unheard of for trauma to cause relationship problems. The unprocessed emotions and memories related to the trauma have the potential to interfere with forming and maintaining healthy relationships. Consider these examples:
1. Judy was sexually assaulted in college. She talked to a few close friends and family members about it and believed that she had moved past that experience. But, 15 years later, she is married with a newborn baby and struggles to be physically intimate with her husband. Whenever he touches her, she recoils and withdraws. This demonstrates the effects of Big T trauma.
2. John grew up with a verbally abusive mother who criticized him throughout his childhood. He witnessed excessive conflict between his parents. Whenever they argued, he pulled the covers over his head in fear, trying to avoid hearing the yelling. Over time, John developed a belief about himself that he somehow didn’t deserve to be loved. Now, as an adult and in his first significant relationship, his partner is frustrated. He shuts down whenever she confronts him or is frustrated with him. He also avoids any relationship conflict at all costs. This is an example of how little t trauma(s) can negatively impact a relationship.
How to Address Your Trauma
Consider the following ideas for addressing your trauma.
1. Acknowledge its existence. If you have a Big T trauma, this will hopefully be fairly obvious. It may be tougher to recognize little t traumas. Regardless, the first step towards healing is to acknowledge the concern.
2. Understand the impact of trauma by doing your research. Read books or other online articles to familiarize yourself with trauma and the problems it causes.
3. Share your understanding with your partner. Include your intentions in terms of healing from the trauma and addressing it as best you can.
4. Commit to working through the trauma by participating in therapy. This can include couples counseling in addition to individual treatment.
Finally, trauma comes in many forms, both big and small. However, left unaddressed, it can have a significant impact on your life and your relationships. To prevent unnecessary suffering start with the tips above and obtain professional support.
