Many couples who show up in my office often seek help because of the infidelity of some kind. It could be in the form of either physical or emotional infidelity or even a different type of trust violation. Many couples are surprised to learn that infidelity, more often than not, does not lead to the demise of a relationship.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that infidelity is good for a relationship. In fact, just because a couple stays together does not mean they are in a healthy and satisfying relationship. However, just because you have experienced infidelity in your relationship doesn’t mean that the relationship has to be over. Here’s why:
Who is Cheating on Whom
Studies have found that about 40% of partners who cheat are separated or divorced, while another study indicated that 50% of unfaithful partners are still married. While it seems to be true that more men have affairs than women, it’s also true that more women will more often stay with an unfaithful male partner than vice-versa.
It’s important to consider that these statistics are correlational in nature. In other words, even those marriages or relationships that ended after infidelity does not mean that the infidelity was the actual cause of the demise of the relationship!
Why People Cheat
Norwegian researcher Bente Traeen of the University of Oslo has studied why relationships end. Traeen focused on people who were under fifty years old. The top two reasons for why relationships ended were:
- Relationship conflict
- Poor sex life
Traeen stated that “I think the idea that infidelity is the main cause of divorce is exaggerated.” Instead, Traeen said that “It is rather a break down of communication and loss of love,” which are to blame.
Where to Place Blame
To understand why some people state that infidelity caused their divorce, take into account who is sharing what happened. For instance, the person who was betrayed by the infidelity will be less likely to point out other flaws in the relationship. Instead, they blame the end of the relationship on the infidelity. In other words, the partner who was betrayed is more likely to blame the affair for the end of the relationship rather than any underlying reasons.
This is in stark contrast to the unfaithful partner. The unfaithful partner is more likely to point to the relationship problems that led to the affair.
Overcoming an Affair
The bottom line? though cheating doesn’t mean the end of a relationship, it does take a lot of work by both partners to rebuild lost trust. This means committing to address the underlying reasons for the affair. Also, doing the necessary work to rebuild the relationship. Moreover, the person who was cheated on must willingly overcome a common social stigma.
The stigma of being betrayed often leads to outside pressure to leave their unfaithful partners. Many believe that they will be judged as weak by family and friends. Unfortunately, these pressures are often so great that the betrayed partner is unwilling to do the hard work needed to save their relationship.
While many relationships have problems that lead to infidelity, it doesn’t mean those relationships are doomed to fail. If the couple is willing to do the necessary work together, it is absolutely possible to rebuild the relationship. However, couples who stay together after an affair without the necessary work generally end up in an unsatisfying and distant relationship.
If you or your partner were recently unfaithful, it’s important to get professional support. To rebuild trust and satisfaction in the relationship requires support. Consider reaching out for couples counseling as soon as possible.
