When couples walk into my office I often talk about the importance of improving communication skills in order to help work through various issues. These can range from sex life problems to resolving parenting style differences. The issue that couples bring up much less often in session is how to establish a greater emotional connection in their relationship.
This sense of closeness is what John Gottman refers to as having a “sound relationship house.” The foundation of this house is the development of a couple’s closeness and intimacy in their relationship.
Do You Really Know Each Other?
Consider for a moment how well you know your partner. Do you know what really makes them tick? What about their hopes, dreams, and even fears? If you are scratching your head right now, take heart, there is a process for expanding your knowledge of your partner. Gottman refers to this as “building your love maps.” This is basically learning as much as you can about your partner’s world.
What Happens If You Don’t Know Each Other’s Love Maps?
According to Gottman, not developing this knowledge leaves your relationship vulnerable to the twists and turns that every relationship faces. For example, what happens if there is a financial problem in your household or a medical crisis? Or, what are your partner’s hopes for the future, and how do you both fit into that future? The good news is that it’s not too late to start learning each other’s love maps.
Steps for Increasing Intimacy
Here are some ways of raising the level of intimacy in your relationship and learning the love map of your partner.
Step 1: Ask the right questions. These are the ones that revolve less around the “facts” and more around how you feel about the facts. For example, ask, “How did you feel about that negative event that occurred in your childhood?” Or, ask,” How did you react when your parents divorced?”
Gottman has his own love map questions. Here are a few examples:
- What was my worst childhood experience?
- Who was my best friend in childhood?
- What turns me on sexually?
- What is my secret ambition?
Step 2: Develop a curious stance. Don’t simply settle for superficial information such as your partner’s favorite food or color (although those are important too). Ask detailed questions that will help you and your partner better understand each other. If you struggle to find the right questions, take time beforehand to think and write out questions to ask your partner.
Step 3: Be consistent and carve out regular time, free from distraction, when you and your partner can take the opportunity to talk and learn from one another. Schedule this time into your weekly calendar. In addition, it’s important to put away your cell phones and all distractions so you can truly focus on one another.
Step 4: Take the time to really learn your own love map and the story of your own life. What is important to you and what are the significant influences and events of your life? Doing some soul-searching about your own life will help you not only answer your partner’s questions but also help you determine what to ask your partner as well.
Step 5: After trying these steps, you may find you aren’t making progress in getting to know your partner. If you still feel stuck, it’s really important to attend couples counseling.
Keep in mind that learning one another’s love maps is not one simple box to check off. It is an ongoing process that takes time and requires consistency. However, if you are both willing to put in the effort and continue asking each other questions, what you learn can have a tremendous impact on the quality of your relationship.
Most importantly, you and your partner will have a better and deeper understanding of one another. That knowledge will serve you well throughout the trials and triumphs of your relationship. Please reach out for couples counseling if you need additional support.
