Death, taxes, and relationship conflict?
Conflict in a relationship should be written in stone. It’s truly unavoidable in intimate relationships. Recent research investigated how conflict and forgiveness change in relationships over time.
Do partners in longer-term relationships tend to argue about different issues more than those in new relationships? Are partners in newer relationships more or less likely to forgive one another? Researchers Sheldon and Anthony attempted to answer these questions, among others.
The Research
The study surveyed 193 married partners and others who were just in dating relationships. The participants were asked about their relationships and any conflicts they might have had. They were also questioned on how and if they forgave one another.
The participants noted that the longer that partners were together, the more likely these couples were able to resolve their conflicts. This was not the case for those in shorter-term dating relationships.
The Longer You’re Together Matters
The results of the study also revealed another big difference between new relationships and long-term committed relationships. Specifically, they found that dating couples will typically argue about the amount of attention they receive from one another or how much time they spend together.
However, married partners, generally speaking, have been able to work out those issues. Instead, married couples argued more about issues such as parenting disagreements, sex life, and finances.
How Couples Resolved Conflict
What about forgiveness? The researchers found that the commitment level in a relationship largely determined which forgiveness strategies they employed after a disagreement. For couples who were dating, one partner was much more likely to brush aside a problem with “it’s fine” or “that’s not a big deal.”
They were also willing to ignore the problem without talking about it or by using a non-verbal gesture, such as a shrug. Intuitively, this makes sense. When you are in the early stages of a dating relationship, you’re more likely to overlook certain things rather than have a serious sit-down conversation.
Things were different for married people or those in long-term relationships. In those relationships, there was quite a bit more at stake if couples did not forgive one another. While results showed that long-term or married couples were much less willing to ignore issues or look the other way, their forgiveness practices were much more obvious and involved.
For example, they were much more likely to have a formal “sit-down” discussion. In general, the researchers found that it took married and more committed couples significantly more time to forgive.
Tips for Positively Resolving Conflict with Your Partner
Overall, the relationship research concluded that it’s not helpful to just sweep issues under the rug or avoid important disagreements. It increases the chances of building significant resentments.
Unfortunately, too, they determined that couples who don’t have the confidence to discuss difficult issues in a productive manner are much more likely to ignore them. This is why it is essential to learn healthy communication skills.
In addition, it is crucial to be able to recover after a hurtful argument. Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of making repair attempts in relationships. If you are working on practicing forgiveness with your partner, consider these tips:
- Take responsibility and ownership for your actions and words.
- Be mindful that it takes two people for this process to work. You both need to accept each partner’s attempts to repair the relationship.
- When the misbehavior is severe enough, be prepared to discuss the issue. Consider the best way to move forward with your relationship.
- If you are feeling stuck with regards to forgiveness or conflict resolution, don’t ignore the problem and be sure to attend couples counseling.
Clearly, the research shows that the more time couples spend with one another, the more likely they are to resolve their conflict.
Although it makes sense that dating couples will often ignore many disagreements or disputes, this is not a viable long-term solution. To resolve conflict couples need to be willing to engage together in an active conversation. This allows for openness and accountability. For those that struggle to do so, couple’s counseling can be very helpful and is strongly recommended.
