In our busy society, we schedule almost everything important in our lives. We set aside specific times for business meetings, doctor appointments, parent/teacher conferences, gym class, lunch dates, vacations, pedicures—the list goes on. So why not schedule intimacy with our significant other? The very short answer is that if you consider your sex life important, there’s NO reason not to schedule it!
Although some people may cringe at the idea of a sex date because it lacks spontaneity, I challenge that belief. I have found that most of the partners who cling to the notion that sex must be spontaneous are often using it as an excuse for why they aren’t interested in being intimate. They may be avoiding other relationship issues that are preventing connection and intimacy.
The truth is that good sex does NOT have to be spontaneous. In fact, the idea that sex needs to be spontaneous is a myth; it’s really not based in reality. Think back to the earlier stages in your relationship, perhaps after you’d been a couple for a while, but were still living apart. When planning the next time you’d get together, sex might not have been “scheduled,” but wasn’t it implicitly understood to be part of the date? You may never have said to your partner that “we’re having passionate sex at 2:15,” but BOTH of you knew that activity was absolutely on the agenda (and more than likely near the top)!
Here are some of the benefits of scheduling your sexual intimacy:
1. It won’t happen otherwise! Unfortunately, for many couples, sex just won’t happen if it’s not scheduled, or it happens too infrequently. This reason should be convincing enough!
2. Making a date allows a couple to revitalize their romance, sustain intimacy, and stay connected.
3. The saying “anticipation is half the fun” definitely rings true here! Planning the encounter can actually be the beginning of foreplay.
Tips for Reigniting the Passion:
1. Start slowly! Scheduling intimacy might not always be a good idea in the beginning, particularly if your sex life is not currently active. Plan time together at first to work solely on increasing affection, and agree on reaching a certain intimacy level before proceeding. To bring back the affection, go here.
2. Discuss with your partner how frequently to schedule a sex date. This may ultimately not be based on desire, but on what’s practical and doable with your other life commitments. Be realistic with your scheduling.
3. When planning your first sex date, stay open-minded, be patient, and be prepared to be flexible. It’s important to keep a sense of humor, remembering the whole purpose of this reserved time is to reconnect and have fun together.
4. Pick a timeframe when both partners feel energetic. Mornings instead of evenings may be better for some, while a certain day of the week may be the less hectic choice for others. Perhaps Saturdays at 5:00 am is best for early risers with kids. If that’s your window, it works! Be creative. Varying your date helps keep it interesting.
5. Be prepared for trial and error. It won’t be perfect in the beginning, but when you find what’s working for you and your partner, make a commitment and stick with it. Life can get in the way sometimes, but making your sexual intimacy a priority in your relationship will make it easier to get back on track.
While some people might be turned off by the thought of scheduling sexual intimacy at first, it’s often a knee-jerk reaction. Sex doesn’t just magically happen. Not all couples need to schedule it, but those with a less active than ideal sex life can really benefit from some advance planning — rather than rely on that chance, spontaneous encounter which rarely ever occurs.
