There are many variables important in creating a healthy relationship: being compatible with one another, having mutual interests, and sharing similar values are important. However, one quality stands out amongst the others: making up and smoothing things over after an argument.
Dr. John Gottman refers to this as the ability to “repair” a relationship after a conflict.
Repair Skills: What Every Good Relationship Needs
He states that in every good relationship, couples have good repair skills. Being able to do this early is also important. Imagine trying to reschedule an argument a week, later! This likely just contributes to a greater divide between partners.
Dr. Gottman states,
“The thing that all really good marriages and love relationships have in common is that they communicate to their partner a model that when you’re upset, I listen,” he says. “The world stops, and I listen. And we repair things. We don’t let things go. We don’t leave one another in pain. We talk about it, and we repair.”
How Couples Approach Conflict
Gottman also points out that these healthy couples approach conflict in a general way, not an attacking way. This means that each partner is able to disagree with each other while remaining open too. They are not perfect, but in general, they can still remain emotionally connected to one another.
Couples who attack are seeking to “one-up” each other. These couples seek to “win” the argument, but ultimately it is the relationship that loses out in the end.
An Example of When Couples Attack
Consider this example for when couples attack. “You never follow through with your commitments. You never do the dishes.” A better way to communicate would be, “Hey, I feel frustrated when I see the dishes left undone in the sink. Didn’t you say that you would do them this week?”
In the first (attacking) example, the speaker is attempting to “call-out” their partner and put them on the spot. They are also using an absolute term when they say “never.” Absolute terms almost always cause further problems.
In the second example, the speaker communicates how their partner’s actions are affecting them and provides a reminder.
Arguing is OK
Gottman touches on how communication filled with emotion makes it harder to see the other person’s perspective. Also, culturally, Americans often see conflict as a bad thing or something to be avoided. Gottman though, sees conflict as part of the journey of getting to know your partner.
Tips for Repairing Relationship Conflict
Some tips for repairing relationship conflict include:
1. Try not to let too much time pass before reconnecting with your partner. Agree on a set time to return to the discussion.
2. It is important that you calm down before re-engaging with your partner. Otherwise, you will simply return to the same unproductive place where you left off.
3. Own your part with how you contributed to the disagreement and got off course in the conversation.
4. Truly attempt to understand how your partner is feeling and their perspective on the issue.
5. Apologize, if appropriate, and take full responsibility.
6. If you and your partner are still stuck, seek out couples counseling which can prevent your relationship from deteriorating.
There are many qualities that make a successful and healthy couple. However, being able to make up and repair the damage from an argument is a critical skill. Not only does it help couples resolve their differences effectively, repairing disconnect quickly helps heal any emotional fallout from the conflict. Otherwise, left unchecked, problems can grow, fester, and ultimately destroy the relationship. It’s vital to reach out for couples counseling for additional support.
