Conflict in relationships is truly unavoidable. Every couple at some point in their relationship has an argument or disagreement about something. However, every couple deals with conflict in a few recognizable ways.
In my experience, couples fall into several common traps and get stuck when navigating conflict. But for couples to have successful relationships, they need to learn ways to manage conflict that are healthy and productive. That makes conflict management an important skill to master for every couple. John Gottman’s research into relationships categorized couples into five different conflict types:
Conflict Avoiders
Generally speaking, conflict avoiders play it safe. They avoid engaging in any kind of conflict with one another at all costs. Conflict avoiders also tend to have a high degree of separation between each other when it comes to boundaries. For instance, they participate in different hobbies and don’t share many common activities together. This means that they lack mutual interests or involvement in one another’s lives. They are by far the most common type of couple who shows up to my practice for counseling.
Volatile Couples
These couples, in most ways, are the opposite of conflict avoiders. They have no problem engaging in an argument and debating with one another. In fact, they enjoy it. But oftentimes, they do so in a calm, respectful manner without attacking one another. Typically, these couples do okay ensuring that their conflict does not get out of hand.
Validating Couples
Validating couples fall somewhere between conflict avoiders and volatile couples. In my experience, validating couples interact in a calm and engaging manner between partners. These couples empower each other and are supportive of one another. Importantly, they also have the ability to compromise with one another. These are all important tools for managing conflict and resolving differences well.
Hostile Couples
These couples are similar to validating couples, except for one big difference. Hostile couples are very defensive with one another. They will stonewall one another and can also be contemptuous. Very infrequently will one attempt to see the other’s perspective or view.
These roadblocks make it very difficult when it comes to managing conflict effectively.
Hostile-Detached Couples
One way to think about these couples is that they are stuck in their frustration and disdain for one another. Both act in a deliberate and emotionally detached way towards each other. Of all five types, the hostile-detached couple is probably the most likely to divorce.
Tips for Better Managing Conflict
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. However, the more skilled couples are in managing conflict, the greater chance they have for relationship success. Regardless of their conflict management styles, couples can still find ways to manage conflict more effectively.
Here are four tips to consider:
1. Improve your ability to self-soothe when experiencing conflict with your partner. You will then be able to more easily calm down and focus on resolving the conflict.
2. Begin a mindfulness practice. This allows you to regulate yourself and stay more in control.
3. Increase your emotional intelligence.
4. If you are still stuck in a situation that involves relationship conflict, it’s time to get professional support, either as a couple or for yourself.
Review the conflict types listed above and consider which one best applies to you and your partner. Knowing your conflict type helps you and your partner understand not only how arguments and disagreements form in the first place, but also how to resolve and even avoid them.
Additionally, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist for support for both yourself and your partner to ensure the health of your relationship.
