The “honeymoon phase” is long past and you realize you are sharing your inner world with everyone but your partner. You can’t put a finger on how or exactly when it started, but you can definitely feel a significant distance between the two of you. Unfortunately, this problem is very common in couple relationships and, more importantly, negatively impacts their relationships. So what is emotional distance, how does it occur, and what can you do about it?
What is Emotional Distance?
Emotional distance exists in a relationship when you no longer share or rely on your partner for emotional support or comfort. You either turn inwards and isolate yourself or start to emotionally lean on others in your life. Here are some signs of emotional distance:
- Increased social media use. Both partners can be guilty of this one.
- Isolating from each other, both physically and emotionally.
- Becoming more critical of one another. You may even start to view each other, not with care or love, but with contempt (which is very toxic to any relationship).
- Lack of affection and sexual intimacy. Most couples require a minimal level of connection before becoming interested in being affectionate or sexual.
- Unaddressed or unresolved resentment. Instead of facing those issues, they are swept under the rug and ignored.
Turning Towards Each Other
Some mistakenly believe that experiencing a lot of conflict is what dooms a couple. The truth is that it is the lack of connection between partners that winds up suffocating a relationship.
Dr. John Gottman says that people who “turn towards” each other have a more satisfying relationship. Gottman describes “turning towards” one another as making an “emotional bid” for connection. Importantly, these bids for connection can either be rejected or accepted. People have a choice to either be emotionally receptive to their partners or to turn away from them.
Gottman warns that rejecting your partner’s bids for connection is very problematic and can badly damage any relationship over time. He considers it one of the greatest relationship killers.
How to Stay Emotionally Connected
If you and your partner are struggling to stay emotionally connected, try the following tips:
- Practice “turning towards” your partner by sharing each other’s inner world and experiences. Don’t simply revisit the facts of the day. Go deeper and discuss your experience of the facts as you lived them. “I felt this way when…”Talk about your inner thoughts and feelings.
- Be curious about where your partner is emotionally at any given point in time. One way to do this is to check in with one another frequently. Try tuning into your partner’s “emotional frequency.”
- Pay attention to both the obvious and subtle ways your partner makes bids for (emotional) connection. You may not realize it, but you could be rejecting their bids for connection by not noticing their attempts. Pay particular attention to their tone of voice or how they behave physically. When you do notice a bid for emotional connection, turn towards your partner and tune in.
- If you are not making any headway with making a stronger emotional connection, determine if there are any past unresolved issues that could be getting in the way.
- Consider getting professional help and quality couples counseling if you are still struggling with making an emotional connection with your partner.
What we know for sure is that emotional distance can do real damage to your relationship and might even be the cause of its downfall. Every successful relationship thrives on a strong emotional connection. When you feel emotionally connected with your partner, you feel understood and are able to be truly vulnerable and capable of sharing your inner world and experiences.
Not surprisingly, if you are not getting your emotional needs met with your partner, you will likely seek out such connection with someone else. If you and your partner are struggling to create a stronger emotional connection, try using the tips above. Moreover, if you find you are still having trouble creating a close connection, don’t hesitate to reach out for couples counseling for additional support.
