Typically, after the honeymoon phase ends in most relationships couples fall into a rut. Thus, the $10 million question is: how do couples get back that spark they once had? Most commonly, typical answers involve consistently spending lots of one-on-one time together. The idea being that more date nights leads to more intimacy.
However, some brain and behavioral researchers dispute this notion. These researchers point out that the answer is not as simple as spending more time together. They argue that it makes a huge difference how couples are spending their time together.
Spending quality time together when they are doing the same old things doesn’t cut it. Couples need to engage in new activities with one another and pursue new interests that they have not yet explored together.
The Role of Neurotransmitters and Novelty
Research shows that new experiences elicit a high level of neurotransmitter activity in the brain. When you engage in new experiences with your partner, feelings similar to those you both experienced when you were initially dating can become activated.
This happens because dopamine and norepinephrine levels – our brain’s reward system – tend to increase dramatically when you engage in new experiences. These are the same neurotransmitters that were released when you first began dating your partner and first felt that “spark”.
According to Helen E. Fisher, an anthropologist from Rutgers University, “We don’t really know what’s going on in the brain, but as you trigger and amp up the reward system in the brain that is associated with romantic love, it’s reasonable to suggest that it’s enabling you to feel more romantic love.”
The Long-Term Effect of New Experiences
In addition, Dr. Aron of SUNY-Stoney Brook conducted several experiments to test this novelty theory. He found that couples who engage in new activities report greater scores in relationship satisfaction and love.
In fact, it’s possible for these feelings to last for years. This is even true for couples who have been married for a decade or longer. Researchers conducted brain scans of partners showing that there was more activity in the parts of the brain that are connected to love.
What Should Couples Do?
When deciding on what new activities to try out, be creative, cast a wide net, and don’t hold back. Remember, the idea is to create novelty. For example:
- Try a new hobby, craft, or skill.
- Play a new sport.
- Take musical instrument lessons together.
- Enjoy outdoor recreation activities together such as hiking, fishing, bicycling, etc.
- Explore different cultural pursuits. Attend the theater, a concert, or an art exhibition.
- Visit new places such as historical sites or local points of interest.
- Eat at new restaurants you previously wouldn’t have considered.
You get the idea. By trying new activities together you will form a closer relationship bond that continues to strengthen over time.
Tips to Rekindle the Spark
- Make a commitment with your partner to start participating in new and engaging activities.
- Create one or two new activities to share with one another. Just make sure that these are things that other partner will not despise and flat-out reject. (You wouldn’t want to encourage a partner who is afraid of heights to try skydiving.)
- Schedule your date nights/outings in advance and allow each partner to take turns planning the activity.
If, after trying several new activities for a couple of months, your relationship is not trending in a positive direction, it’s a good idea to try couples counseling. This can help you both figure out what’s getting in the way of becoming closer and more connected.
The science shows that new shared activities greatly improve the satisfaction of a relationship. Consider trying the tips above when creating new adventures. Again, if it still feels like the relationship is in a rut, don’t hesitate to reach out for couples counseling and support.
