Yes, sometimes men in heterosexual relationships do indeed get a bad rap. Stereotypically, men are thought of as those who want to maintain control and don’t want to share power in relationships. Like most stereotypes though, there is a kernel of truth in this. Some men do struggle to accept influence from their partners.
John Gottman, an expert in relationships and communication, says that men who don’t accept influence are more likely to have unfulfilling relationships and struggle to make a relationship last. In fact, Gottman’s research shows that when men are not ready to accept influence from their partners, there is an 81% chance that the relationship won’t last.
What Does It Mean to Accept Influence?
Accepting influence from one’s partner means respecting your partner’s opinions and feelings. You can accept their choices and willing to yield to their thoughts. In his book, 7 Principals for Making Marriage Work, Gottman describes this concept this way:
“For a marriage to work, partners must be willing to share their desires and feelings.”
Research has shown that lesbian and gay couples are better able with sharing their thoughts, feelings, and desires with their life partner. Also, women who are in heterosexual relationships are generally able to accept influence, even when they are angry or upset. However, men really do struggle in this regard. One reason is that women often have higher emotional I.Q. and have better relationship skills than most men.
A caveat for men to keep in mind is that to accept influence is not equivalent to giving up all power in heterosexual relationships. Rather, accepting influence is an opportunity to build a stronger and healthier relationship together.
How to Accept Influence in Relationships
Accepting influence in personal relationships can really help improve relationship quality and satisfaction. Here are some things that men (and women) can do to accept influence:
1. Start with a mindset shift. Avoid thinking of desires, preferences, and wishes as being something that’s between either you or your partner or a win/lose scenario. Think of your relationship as one in which you are both on the same team. With that team mentality in mind, the goal is to find a compromise and, ideally, be OK with any decision that’s made.
2. Did I mention compromise? Because compromise really is the goal here. According to Gottman, the key is to be willing to compromise “and the more open to influence you are, the smoother your marriage [will be].”
3. Kernel of Truth: Gottman refers to the process of identifying a reasonable aspect of your partner’s position as finding the “kernel of truth.” That is, instead of finding out how you disagree with your partner, try to find a part of what they are saying with which you do agree. Doing so will help you be more open to accepting influence.
4. Search for the Win/Win: Identifying a kernel of truth allows you to focus on a compromise in the relationship in which both partners are satisfied.
5. If accepting influence feels like an uphill battle, ask for help. Take advantage of resources such as couples counseling and also individual therapy.
By accepting influence and being willing to compromise, men (& women) will find that they will experience greater relationship satisfaction. Remember, it’s not an issue of you versus them. Rather, accepting influence is about how you both can be a better team and work together well.
Following the tips above can help with this. However, if you are finding it difficult to accept influence from your partner, ask for additional support. Couples counseling and therapy will help you to be more open to accepting influence from your partner.
