There’s a good reason why therapists inquire about your childhood in therapy. Our early lives affect our later experiences. In attachment theory, John Bowlby proposes that early caregivers’ interactions with us have a significant impact on our development. This is especially important for our social and emotional development. Bowlby identified how people attached to one another by observing the interactions of children and their caregivers/parents.
Here are the three main important attachment styles to be aware of.
1. Secure Attachment
Fortunately, most of us, approximately 60-65% of the population, are securely attached in our adult relationships. Securely attached people are fairly well-balanced individuals. They are comfortable solving problems and are capable of reaching out to their partners for support. These people also feel secure and connected to their partner.
2. Anxious Attachment
Anxiously attached people require a lot of attention and have a great need for approval.
They need to be both emotionally and physically close to others. This often causes anxiously attached individuals to be described at “clingy” by their partners. That’s because they want to be often continuously reassured that everything is ok in their relationship.
3. Avoidant Attachment
Those who are avoidantly attached distrust others and prefer not to get close to people.
This is because they don’t feel safe with being vulnerable in any way. Avoidantly attached individuals can be filled with considerable self-doubt too. As a result, they don’t get too close to their romantic partners and typically rely on themselves to fulfill their own needs.
Attachment and Romance
Unsurprisingly, securely attached people generally do well in relationships and are the most satisfied. They try to proactively engage with their partner when there is conflict and manage their emotions fairly well. Securely attached people support their partner and are good at asking what their partner’s needs are.
However, those who are anxiously attached are usually much less satisfied in their relationships and have a high number of conflicts with their partners. This causes destructive patterns to form in their intimate relationships. Avoidantly attached people also have less relationship satisfaction than the securely attached. But in contrast, avoidantly attached individuals never get close to their partners and avoid conflict by shutting down. They mostly refuse to discuss controversial or sensitive issues at all.
Caregivers and Attachment Style
One easy way to identify attachment differences is that the securely attached basically received what they needed from their caregivers compared to those who are anxiously or avoidantly attached. Inconsistent or neglectful caregivers are often the reasons why those needs are not consistently met. This makes sense since caregivers are supposed to help us feel safe and secure when we are young.
If we learn early on that caregivers cannot or will not provide this consistent sense of safety and security, how we form and maintain relationships later in life can be dramatically impacted.
Also, research has shown that when under stress, securely attached individuals tend to do better when there is a relationship problem that needs solving. This is as opposed to those who are anxiously or avoidantly attached who struggle more with relationship problem-solving skills.
In conclusion, it can be helpful to determine your attachment style to understand why you have certain behaviors that are either helpful or unproductive in relationships. However, the caveat is that your attachment style is just one part of who you are as a person. There are many factors that go into how you form and maintain relationships. If you believe your attachment style is causing a problem, then consider making changes. Changing your attachment style won’t be easy, but it is possible to do as an adult through long-term individual therapy. If you are struggling in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist for individual relationship counseling.
