Every relationship has its own unique set of problems. The reason these relationship problems don’t go away is …uh… because many relationship problems actually don’t go away!
Dr. John Gottman states that only 30% of relationship problems are actually solvable. Think about what that means! The rest – the other 70% of relationship problems – fall into the unsolvable category. Dr. John Gottman, an expert who has studied the causes of relationship success and failure, calls this second category “perpetual problems.
Three Different Kinds of Problems
Solvable problems are just that. They are problems in which both partners can reach an agreeable solution that works for both of them. These kinds of problems usually exist because of a specific situation.
A perpetual problem, however, is an issue in a relationship that never feels completely solved. These problems come up over and over again. This can be the result of underlying individual differences, personality issues, or having different lifestyle preferences.
Gridlocked, perpetual problems is a third category identified by Gottman. These occur when a couple becomes entrenched and stuck on a perpetual problem. A gridlocked perpetual problem means that a couple cannot have even a simple discussion about the issue. Often, there are other more fundamental issues or resentments that lie beneath the surface when a couple faces a gridlocked perpetual problem.
It’s Different for Every Couple
It’s important to recognize that one couple’s solvable problem can actually be another couple’s perpetual problem. Let’s use the example of household chores. With one couple, they have a disagreement over who was supposed to do the dishes in the evening. After a discussion, they are able to reach a mutually-agreed-to solution. Compromise is achieved and this issue becomes more or less settled and is, therefore, a solvable problem.
However, with another couple, finding an agreement about doing the dishes can become an unsolvable problem. This can occur when very night the stack of dishes gets bigger in the sink, without any resolution. Hopefully, for this couple, it doesn’t lead to a gridlocked perpetual problem! In fact, it’s important to realize that every relationship brings its own unique set of perpetual problems.
Additionally, each couple has their own style, needs, and preferences for resolving conflict too. Yet, it’s also true that perpetual problems don’t have to significantly harm a relationship. Many couples can find ways to live with a perpetual problem and make it work for their relationship. This ability to navigate, finesse, and discuss a perpetual problem prevents it from ever becoming gridlocked.
How to Prevent Gridlocked Perpetual Problems
A gridlocked perpetual problem is one where at least one partner is unwilling to give in. They are, in effect, “locked” or “stuck” within this problem. However, unlike solvable and perpetual problems, gridlocked problems can cause real damage to your relationship. If you think that you are struggling with gridlocked perpetual problems, consider these ideas:
1. Determine whether the issue is a solvable problem or a perpetual problem.
2. If you decide it’s a perpetual problem, try reframing it. Think of the issue as a problem that is simply a function of the individual differences you have with your partner. You have different needs, desires, and a different personality than your partner. This can be an effective way to understand one another’s differences regarding an issue.
3. Be careful not to attempt to immediately “win” or solve the problem. Rather, the goal is to fully understand your partner’s position or view.
4. Establish a healthy dialogue about the issue. What are your feelings and perspectives regarding the perpetual problem? Remember, even if you can’t find a solution, a healthy dialogue can prevent the issue from becoming a gridlocked perpetual problem.
5. Summarize one another’s perceptions and viewpoints to each other. Make sure to respect each other and maintain a healthy discussion. Sometimes this is as good as it gets. Ensuring that you are both still able to have a positive dialogue about the problem can help avoid gridlock in the future. It may not become a solvable problem, but at least it will be a manageable problem.
6. If you are stuck discussing a perpetual problem or if a perpetual problem reaches gridlock, it’s important to consider reaching out to a qualified couples counselor for support.
Remember, every couple has their own unique set of perpetual problems.
That’s normal. Yet, when a perpetual problem becomes a gridlocked problem there should be a real cause for concern. Use the above suggestions to work through the issue. Then, if you feel it’s necessary, reach out for couples counseling for additional support.
