The statement, “Men like to fix things and women like to listen,” follows a general stereotype. Yet it also contains quite a bit of truth as well.
Of course, no one likes to see their partner in pain. Typically, men first respond by trying to fix the situation. However, attempting to fix things can lead their counterparts to become more disenchanted with their problem-solving partners. They may not be ready to have their problems solved quite yet. But even more likely is that, at least initially, they just want to be heard.
Although, stereotypically, women are better at listening, both men and women would benefit from building their listening and empathy skills.
What is Empathy?
Empathy is, in some respects, the opposite of trying to fix a problem. It is simply being present with your partner in those difficult moments. An empathetic person is OK with things not being perfect or tidy. Indeed, when you are struggling with difficult emotions, things can get quite messy. Being empathetic means being comfortable with your partner’s process and the intensity of their feelings– without itching to find a quick-fix solution.
What Qualities Important For Empathy?
To be empathetic, one must have the desire to truly feel what their partner is feeling in the moment. The objective is not to push away the problem at hand. Instead, embrace the situation and the moment together. The healing comes not because you have found a solution to the problem, but when your partner feels understood, sensing that “he really gets me.”
The Difference between Empathy and Sympathy
It is important to understand the differences between empathy and sympathy since they are actually very different. Often, we use these words interchangeably without knowing their true meanings.
If empathy is about allowing yourself to feel your partner’s emotions and find a greater connection, sympathy can be seen as quite the opposite. Sympathy occurs when you know that your partner is struggling but you don’t want them to. This is because whatever it is they are struggling with stirs negative emotions within you.
Therefore, you might try to soothe them so they no longer have to feel those emotions. For example, you might say:
- “Don’t worry.”
- “Everything is going to be OK.”
- “It’s just temporary, this will pass.”
The result is that your partner does not get to feel their emotions or even worse feels they don’t have a right to feel them. Nor do they get to experience any validation. Thus, your effort to fix the problem eventually backfires in the long-run.
In fact, somewhat surprisingly to many, sympathy can lead to a greater disconnect between you and your partner instead of enhancing your connection.
Ways to Create More Empathy
The good news? It’s possible to improve your empathy skills. All you need to get started is a willingness to listen. Also, consider these ideas:
- Suspend any judgment. When listening to your partner’s concerns, it is important to avoid any form of judgment. Remember, it’s easier to empathize with someone when it’s not about you.
- Adopt a curious-stance. Hold a curious-stance regarding what they are feeling in the moment. Seek to understand.
- Attempt to truly connect with what your partner feels in the moment. This requires being vulnerable and staying open to potentially uncomfortable or negative feelings.
- Try paraphrasing what your partner is expressing. This can help to validate their perspective. Paraphrasing allows you to validate what your partner is saying while still being able to hold a different perspective.
Like many communication and relationship skills, your ability to empathize can develop with practice. By developing your empathy skills with your partner and knowing the difference between empathy and sympathy, a closer and more connected relationship is possible. In the long-term, this leads to a more satisfying and successful union. If you and your partner continue to struggle, consider couples counseling for more ways to empathize.
