In the dating world, some relationships develop very quickly. This is true even now during our pandemic reality with regards to dating. In these early stages of romance, it makes sense to always put your best foot forward when getting to know someone. However, as the relationship develops and we see each other’s warts, how apt are we to ignore those warts? During the Honeymoon stage of relationship development, many will ignore any issues that come up. However, as the Honeymoon stage fades farther away, we are able to see those red flags appear in the relationship. How much do we pay attention to those red flags?
Five Criteria for Relationship Trust
The Gottman Institute has five criteria for establishing relationship trust. Not all of them are likely to be red flags. However, these categories should not be ignored. Here’s how to put your partner to the test.
1. Honesty: If someone starts lying to you early in a relationship about themselves, that doesn’t bode well for the future.
2. Transparency: How open is your partner? Are there certain subjects that are taboo without any explanation? Your partner doesn’t need to reveal everything to you when first dating. But, after an extended period of time, if they have never introduced you to friends or family members, that could become a red flag to be concerned about.
3. Accountability: Basically this means whether or not your partner follows through on their commitments. Are they failing to keep their promises? Do they show up on time for activities or events? Are they reliable? Can you count on them? These are some concerns to be aware of.
4. Ethical Actions: This point addresses whether or not your moral code aligns with your partner’s ethics. Granted, finding out that they cheated on a third-grade math test might not be your biggest concern. However, you do want to know whether fundamentally they are a good person.
5. Proof of Alliance: Does your partner continually state that they are on your side and have your back? Do they at least sometimes put their interests or needs aside in order to focus on yours?
What to Do When You Notice Those Red Flags
The five attributes of trust listed above are “no-brainers” to consider when in a new relationship. It’s important not to ignore your partner’s “warts” that you as they real themselves over time. However, just noticing these imperfections doesn’t mean you have to end the relationship. However, it is important to address any bigger issues that arise between yourself and your partner. Here’s what to do when you notice relationship red flags.
1. Be sure to pay attention to the red flags. Acknowledge those that you notice recurring with your partner. Trust yourself and your judgment. However, be fair. Avoid focusing on all of the negatives exclusively. For instance, try to balance things out by recognizing positive attributes about your partner routinely.
2. Use a soft startup approach when addressing your concerns with your partner. Keep in mind that how they respond means a lot. If they become defensive and are unwilling or unable to address your concerns, then you might have discovered an even more important red flag in the relationship.
3. If you are feeling stuck in addressing these issues, don’t wait to attend counseling with a skilled couples therapist. Not wanting to seek help can mean avoiding spending years of having to work through these relationship issues.
Oftentimes we will ignore or dismiss red flags that we notice early on in a relationship.
You don’t want to make waves or blow things out of proportion when you’re just starting to get to know someone. However, in more established relationships those red flags should not be ignored. Be willing to discuss these issues with your partner. Also, reach out to a skilled therapist who is experienced in couples counseling for support.
